1) And it came to pass that several of Jules’ friends were participating in the Whole30. And behold, the Whole30 was a plan devised by Satan to take joy out of life. Yea, the rules of Whole30 were simple:
- No added sugar (not even honey, agave, maple syrup, etc. Nothing. Nada. Only natural sugar from fruits).
- No alcohol (including for cooking).
- No grains. At all.
- No legumes.
- No dairy.
- Don’t re-create junk foods with approved ingredients.
- Eat only real, natural, unprocessed foods, preferably organic and grass fed and all that jazz.
Oh, and most importantly:
- Stop feeling happy about life.
2) And it came to pass that Jules’ friends convinced her to follow Satan’s plan. Yea, her friends didst say, “We shall do this together! We shall support each other!” And behold, they didst start the plan and there was much rejoicing and camaraderie to be felt by all.
3) And behold, Jules’ friends didst fall away immediately. Yea, Jules became a lone voice crying in the Whole30 wilderness. And it came to pass that her cries usually sounded like unto this:
4) WHY AM I DOING THIS?! I NEED SUGAR!! i WANT COOKIES AND ICE CREAM AND CHEESE AND PEANUT BUTTER AND BREAD AND QUINOA AND HUMMUS!!! MAYBE NOT AT THE SAME TIME!
5) Behold, Jules’ husband began to be concerned, and his reaction to her Whole30 crying was something like unto this:
6) And then her husband didst proceed to bake cookies for himself. And it came to pass that Jules discovered that her husband was a terrible person.
7) But it came to pass that Jules didst continue to follow the plan, and it felt as if she were wondering in a dark and dreary wilderness, for without her grains she could not function. Yea, her brain power was impaired. But she kept going, for others told her it was worth it, and that it would get easier.
8) But behold, IT DID NOT BECOME EASIER. Yea, Jules hated it. For behold, she was always hungry and her stomach hurt, despite the fact that she was following this stupid plan. And behold, people said, “Maybe you’re not doing it right! Doo bee doo!” But, no, Jules’ body just didn’t like it.
9) So, Jules continued. And while she did see some positive things from the Whole30, it mostly just felt like a time to be sad and not eat cookies.
10) And thus we see that Satan’s plan does not lead to happiness.